Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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