I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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