I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
