I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
