I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
