Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
