you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
