Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
