woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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