i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
