WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
did i walk over a car last night?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Holy shit dude........stairs
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