I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
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