i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize