Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
