Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
