Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
