there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
