Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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