That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
