My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Randomize
