Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
