Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
