someone threw a dead crab at me
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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