Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
