Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
