look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm too high and old for this...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize