did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize