I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
