It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
