Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
