i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
