I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I deserve this hangover.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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