we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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