I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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