It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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