i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
