the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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