My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
