ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i came on her dog
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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