did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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