Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
