96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
