Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
