I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my being single is dangerous.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
