I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
