I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
