nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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