I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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