I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
