there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
