I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
