I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
