woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize