we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You're like the curious george of whores
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize