somebody snuck up and got me drunk
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
