You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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