Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
