i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
